Writing LESSONS. Another Season 7 Parody.
by foggi
Summary: I'm back with a parody on 7.1 *UPDATED!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!*
1. Cleaning the mess with Joss.

"LESSONS" PARODY.

I'm back again I'm having a bit of a time getting into this one as much...cause the spoilers are older and I'm not all fired up about it. But I'm doing my best. I think we should see some ep 3 spoilers soon, and I'll get on those too!

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT JOSS! I just like his silly little show a lot! 

SPOILERS FOR SEASON SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Xander, Buffy, Dawn, and Anya sit in the high school library. Joss Whedon enters dressed as a janitor. 

BUFFY: Hey! I know that guy! 

XANDER: Yeah! Dude, we haven't seen you in a year! And good thing too, cause Spike would be in way better shape if you had been here!!

DAWN: So, why are you here now?

JOSS THE JANITOR: I'm just here to clean up last year's mess. 

DAWN: Yeah, last year was weird. What went wrong??

JOSS THE JANITOR: Never leave your tv show in the hands of a bitter woman. 

ANYA: Good to know. Now that I am actually an important part of the show I get a LOT more one liners! 

BUFFY: Why is Anya here?

JOSS THE JANITOR: Cause she DESERVES TO BE! Plus, now that she's a demon with no soul, I have to get her around Xander more so that just when you think she's good she can rape him! 

ALL: Oh. 

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Spike lies on a cardboard box below the high school. 

SPIKE: I've been down here for three weeks, you'd think by now someone would notice me. 

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Enter Joss the Janitor. 

JOSS THE JANITOR: Well, we were going to have the scoobies talk to you, but some other storylines got in the way.

SPIKE: What gets in the way of a show's cliffhanger?

JOSS THE JANITOR: Dawn's new friends! It's very important that the audience immediately become obsessed with Dawn. 

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Joss Exits, taking a script that says "GREAT SPIKE STORY" and throwing it in the trash can as he leaves. 

Enter Buffy.

BUFFY: Joss told me to come down here. GASP!!! SPIKE!!!!

SPIKE: GASP!!!!!!! BUFFY!!!!!!!!

BUFFY: Wow, I have missed you! 

SPIKE: Really? You should hate me, I'm a horrible person.

BUFFY: I know! I DO HATE YOU!

SPIKE: Buffy I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for everything. I'll stay away from you from now on. 

BUFFY: No, Spike, you don't have to do that, I did some pretty messed up thing too.

SPIKE: No, it was all my fault.

BUFFY: Damn straight it was! 

SPIKE: Huh? But you just said...

Buffy looks confused, walks up to Spike, kisses his check, then bitch slaps him. 

SPIKE: What's this all about?!?

BUFFY: The spoilers all conflict each other...I have no idea what to do!

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Xander and Buffy are in the library with Dawn, Kit and Carlos. The Master, Glory, Warren, Faith and Adam do the cancan behind them all through the scene, no one notices. 

XANDER: So, what's in the basement?

BUFFY: Oh, I don't know. 

XANDER: You're hiding something Buffy. I built that basement with my construction company, and we specifically left room for an evil fiend to make his home down there!

BUFFY: Xander, we need to have a talk. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I am actually kind of upset with you. This whole Spike thing, you-

XANDER: OHHH! Look! Dawn and her new friends are talking...and is fifteen minutes they will start seeing ghosts and we'll have to create sympathy for them so that fans will be concerned! 

BUFFY: Oh yes! Let's drop EVERYTHING, KIT CARLOS AND DAWN ARE TALKING!!!!!!!!!!

KIT: You know, B-I-T-C-H...

CARLOS: A bitca?

BUFFY: Wow is THIS exciting! 

TBC VERY SOON!!!! R&R please!!!!!!!

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	2. ENGLAND BABY!!!!

Writing LESSONS, part II

thanks again to those who reviewed!!!! 

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Giles and Willow sit a field...a large billboard behind them says "yes, we're actually in England!!!!!" 

GILES: Willow, you've been bad.

WILLOW: Yes. I know. But Xander still loves me! 

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Willow collapses...then gets back up. 

GILES: I'm glad Xander still loves you...that does brighten the situation considerably. 

WILLOW: Really? I never thought you liked Xander all that much. 

GILES: Well, no he's incredibly annoying and really the most pathetic of all of you. But Xander really hates Spike...and having me agree with Xander is a great way to drive Spike further into the gutter...we've already driven him into the basement!

WILLOW: Oh, yeah. Spike.

GILES: Willow, how much do _you_ hate Spike?

WILLOW: Well...I guess if Xander does!

GILES: Good girl! You've been redeemed! Here's a sticker!

WILLOW: Wow, that was easy! I only had to take a scenic trip to England! Spike had to-

GILES: Willow! Spike is by no means on a path of redemption! 

WILLOW: Really? Wow...I thought that had been a theme for like, 3 years. 

GILES: Oh, dear lord, no. That was simply the "Bad Boyfriend" arc. Along with the "Naked Ratings Boost" arc. 

WILLOW: That's funny...Spike has always been defined by being a great boyfriend...

GILES: Did you hear that he took eggs and got RILEY in trouble?!?

WILLOW: WOW! He IS a bad boyfriend...Riley's a REAL man. 

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Spike walk over to the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign that he used to hit with his car. He looks insane.

SPIKE: To drive through the sign, or not to drive through the sign....that is the question....Well, I don't even have a car here so I guess we know which one I'm picking don't we?? You see, folks, I'm struggling with my new soul. Should I be good or should I be eeeeeevil....and to Buffy or not to Buffy! Most importantly, which will drive the fans away the quickest??? The suspense must be killing you all. Which is why we're probably never going to tell you really, instead focusing on Dawn's new friends! No, we'll just do things symbolically instead, so as not to *piss* anyone off. My hair's all grown out and I've given up my coat. Plus, I got this bloody soul to "give Buffy what she deserves"...which at this point could be a good slap in the face...but I think you understand where I am going with this. You would have to be pretty cold hearted and dense to not realize that I am on a path of redempti-

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Dawn and Xander enter, they pick up Spike and throw him though the sign...they exit.

SPIKE: Then again...everyone here is pretty cold hearted and dense. 

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Anya walks over to where the magic box should be...but finds only a pile of rubble.

ANYA: What the hell? I thought I was supposed to become a more important part of the show!

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Enter Joss the Janitor.

JOSS THE JANITOR: Well, you are! You're going to become eeeevil...and sing a lot more!

ANYA: But that doesn't make any sense...I was just helping everyone at the end of grave...I'm not eeeeeevil!

JOSS THE JANITOR: Well, Anya, sometimes we just make you evil. It doesn't really matter if anyone thinks you'd do it or not! Plus, it's very important that everyone loves Xander. 

ANYA: So, why is the Magic Box gone?

JOSS THE JANITOR: Willow destroyed it, and insurance wouldn't cover it!

ANYA: That makes no sense! The critics who visited the set said it was here all summer!!

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Amber Benson enters Buffy's kitchen where Buffy and Dawn are eating. Amber is playing a new character...Clara. 

CLARA: Hey. (SHY SMILE)

BUFFY: Hi Tara!

DAWN: Did Willow bring you back or something...cause that would be WAY COOL! _Buffy nods in agreement._

CLARA: Who's Tara? I'm just here to be Willow's new girlfriend. 

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Enter Britney Spears.

BRITNEY: No way! I'm going to be her new girlfriend!

BUFFY: WOW...this is also WAY better than me having a moving scene with Spike...I'm glad they cut that and replaced it with this! I feel like we're getting back to the show's mission statement already!!!!

DAWN: What statement is that?

BUFFY: The wonders of push ups bras...loving them, sharing them, wearing them!

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Everyone is back at the high school. Buffy and Dawn are "training" while Anya sits around with nothing to do, and in a lovely contrasting camera shot, Xander is surrounded by big bags of money and dressed like Austin Powers while Spike is struck by lighting several times in the "corner" Buffy designated for him to sit in, he wears a scarlet letter "R" on his black t-shirt. Yes, "R" for Rapist...attempted. 

SPIKE: Buffy, if I have to wear this letter "R" for Rapist, shouldn't you have to wear an "AG" for Abusive girlfriend?

BUFFY: I could never be your girl...do I have to beat you up again???

TBC ASAP!!!! 


	3. The Kit and Carlos Show.

Writing LESSONS, part III

*note* You may want to go back to chapter two and read the last scene again, cause this one picks up right where I left off...thanks again for all the support!

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SPIKE: I think not...not much in the mood for being beat up by you again, because we all know that would lead RIGHT BACK to your enormous bathroom where I'd try to *rape* you so I'd look WAY more eeeevil than you. 

BUFFY: Huh? 

SPIKE: So the audience wouldn't be so miffed at you for beating me up, you bloody bint!

BUFFY: No! Everyone loves me! Besides, what's up with your hair? It's all root-y.

SPIKE: They used up my bleach supply on your hair when you realized how bad it looked last season. Which, frankly I thought was okay, because the people that stopped watching because of your _hair_ are likely too stupid for this show anyways. 

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Buffy pouts, Xander comes over and tries to rape her...*comfort* her...Buffy hugs Xander.

DAWN: Buffy! I thought we were TRAI-N-ING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A window shatters at the sound of Dawn's shrieks. This will foreshadow Xander's greatest arc of the year...his crappy carpentry skills, but most of the time we'll just shower him in cash. 

BUFFY: Look, Dawn, we let you wear black and heels today in hopes that you'd shut up!

DAWN: heels, heels, HEEEEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Buffy roles her eyes and thinks about jumping out the new library window...then she remembers she's supposed to be Happy!Now!Buffy and train Dawn so she can get the hell out of here next season. Buffy is an ungrateful bitch.

BUFFY: Okay, let's train! 

DAWN: YEAHNESS!

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Buffy tries to get Dawn to train with the crossbow, Dawn accidentally hits Anya with an arrow, because Dawns sucks. 

DAWN: Oops!

ANYA: Ow! My arm!!!

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Everyone stares at Anya...then they remember that she isn't Dawn, Willow, Xander, or Buffy so they stop caring and go back to what they were doing. Spike might have helped, but that would have made him look good, and you can't promote a "rapist."

BUFFY: Wow, Dawn. You're really getting the hang of this! 

DAWN: Just wish to be half as good as my big sis! 

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The background music from "Full House" plays as Buffy and Dawn share one of many, "very special moments" somewhere, Marti Noxon smile, knowing that her 2nd after school special (re: Willow's *addiction*) is beginning...Marti remembers the time that she and her sister fought like this! She's helping the fans become better people who hate men!!!!! Fans go insane. They switch the channel to "Gilmore Girls"...then they begin calling UPN to ask if they can be notified when the Spike scene come on so they can turn back the channel. 

BUFFY: Wow, has this been fun Dawn! 

SPIKE: Buffy, we need to talk. I have so many things to tell-

BUFFY: GASP! OMG, we've taken up waaaaaaaay too much air time with the real story...where did Kit and Carlos go?!?!?

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Kit and Carlos walk along the hallways in SHS. They are SO COOL! Mostly because we writers don't even have to write new dialogue!!! (no copyright infringement intended)!!!!!!!!!!

CARLOS: You know what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance...You know, Dawn, Fall Ball isn't just any dance. It's a time when students choose a.... a mate, and, we can observe their mating ritual and tag them before they migrate!!! I see dead people!!!!!

KIT: You're doing fine. 

CARLOS: Why is this so hard? I should just go up to her and say "I like you, will you go to the dance with me." 

KIT: I see dead people too! 

CARLOS: We're just stealing previously used ideas left and right!!!


	4. The Seventh Sense

Writing LESSONS, Part IV

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Thank you all again for the lovely reviews I'm getting the ep 3 spoilage now and as soon as a finish this one, I will get on that, there isn't QUITE enough info yet, :). 

REMEMBER, SPOILERS SEASON SEVEN!!!

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Dawn, Kit, and Carlos are suddenly in the eeeeevil basement (where eeeeeeevil Spike lives!) and surrounded by a bunch of ghosts (also known as all the extras from seasons 1-3) 

DAWN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KIT: Like, help. 

CARLOS: Great googely-moogely! Ghosts!!!!

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Buffy and Xander enter...followed by Anya and Spike, who have both been bruised badly by Buffy and Xander. It's okay for Buffy and Xander to beat their exes because...they are Buffy and Xander, the images of PURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


BUFFY: Dawn! Shut up. It's just a bunch of ghosts. 

XANDER: Great googely-moogley!!!!!!!! 

BUFFY: Oh my gosh! _("Full of Grace" begins to play) _these are all of the people I didn't save back in high school! This is so painful! WAHH! 

XANDER: Oh, Buffy, it's okay, they aren't you me or Willow remember? They don't matter! _(BIG SMILE)_

SPIKE: Buffy...you know, this is sort of similar to what I'm going through right now...being plagued by mistak---

BUFFY: Oh Xander! My hero! You're right, none of these people were as pure and good as us! They deserved to die! 

ANYA: Well, no....

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Xander promptly smacks Anya, and mutters something about her being eeeeeeevil for ever wanting to marry and take care of him. Damn these supporting characters and their unwavering love of the heroes who beat them! 

SPIKE: Well, what now? We can't very well kill them...they were innocent--

BUFFY: And not as good as ME and XANDER and WILLOW!

ANYA: Willow just murdered someone--

BUFFY: We should PUNISH them! Plus, it will give us a chance to highlight the GREATEST STORY ARC OF ALL TIME!!!

SPIKE: Which is?

BUFFY: Dawn and her friends learn to save the world and die pathetically trying!!!!!!

DAWN, KIT, CARLOS: We are the chosen ones!!!!!!!!

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Dawn, Kit, Carlos, Buffy and Xander do the dance of the "best people in the world" and prepare to re-kill the innocent high schoolers. Spike and his pathetic, INSANE, soul leave, unable to handle the *cruelty*...he's Eeeeeevil. Anya just walks around in her sexy dress, a sure sign of her impending evilness, she's already dressing sexy, she must be bad. 

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Giles and Willow are in the same field...covered in rain. It rains in England. Duh. 

(OFF CAMERA) JOSS THE JANITOR: Stupid rain. MARTIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! Get me my umbrella thee who killed MY show...now we've had to come all the way here to make things right again and I have to write and direct this stupid thing right in the middle of all my NEW shows! Boo hoo!!!!!!! 

GILES: So, reason number 2,792 why Spike is eeeevil??

WILLOW: Um, he loves Buffy?

GILES: AH! Precisely! Any man who really loves Buffy MUST be evil in any GOOD person's eyes. Willow, if you learn nothing else from my teachings, learn this: Buffy is not to find happiness with anyone!

WILLOW: What??

GILES: She's practically my daughter! She can't fall in love! 

WILLOW: That isn't really fair Giles. 

GILES: I'm sensing that you aren't quite ready to go back to Sunnydale Willow. You'll need to be much more narrow-minded before you can really be the old Willow again. 

WILLOW: Am I still redeemed??

GILES: Of course, you were redeemed when Xander told you about the yellow crayon, the fact that you hate Spike just gives you bonus points!

WILLOW: Wow! 

TBC 


	5. Ain't Love Grand?

Writing LESSONS, part V.

I'm going to stop this one at chapter 6 (this is 5) and start on the ep 3 parody...hopefully new spoilers for that will surface for the end of the week...also, thanks once more for all the reviews!

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Anya and Spike sit down in the eeeeeeeeevil basement. The ghosts have inexplicably disappeared....they were never very important anyways. What IS important is that Buffy, Xander, Dawn, Kit and Carlos have saved the day yet again. 

ANYA: So they saved the day yet again. 

SPIKE: By doing what? Hurting the innocent people???

ANYA: Why do you care about innocent people? 

SPIKE: I thought you vengeance demons could feel if I bloke has a soul!

ANYA: (Covering her ears) HEY! I'm not supposed to find out about that till the next episode!

SPIKE: Hmph, whatever. 

ANYA: So, what do we do now??

SPIKE: Well, you're obviously looking too good these days, you're going to be evil soon I 'spect.

ANYA: What?!?

SPIKE: Well, the "Bad Boyfriend Arc" they used on me last year didn't work, so to keep Marti *occupied* you'll be taking on the role of "Bad Girlfriend Arc".

ANYA: But I have always been made out to be a perfect and caring girlfriend!

SPIKE: (Raises his eyebrows) 

ANYA: Oh GOD!

SPIKE: Yup, I was pretty bloody perfect before they *decided* that I...well, just WASN'T.

ANYA: But...how will this be explained, certainly there has to be a good reason-

SPIKE: Nope. 

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a sad pause.

ANYA: So what will you do?

SPIKE: I'll sit around feeling inadequate like Ange-

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A censor bleeps out the word "Angel" every time it comes out of spike's mouth now...he's NOT like Angel, we swear!!!!!!!!!  


ANYA: Well, didn't you get that soul for Buffy?

SPIKE: How did you know? Hell! I didn't even know right up until the end...thought I was getting the chip out and then BAM! No, you're getting a soul for BUFFY!

ANYA: So, aren't you going to go make with the flirting?

SPIKE: Nope. Can't.

ANYA: Huh?

SPIKE: I feel *inadequate* she's too perfect for me.

ANYA: Are we still talking about BUFFY? 

SPIKE: Yeah, well, actually it would just take too much time away from Dawn if she and I got together. And who am I to get in the way of everyone's favorite character?

ANYA: Oh. 

SPIKE: So, Anya, how do you feel about rape scenes? 

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Buffy and Xander are watching tv, they have just maimed and tortured all the people from high school who weren't *good enough for them*. They are so COOL!!!

XANDER: We are so cool. 

BUFFY: Oh yeah.

XANDER: It's fun, the way we can do whatever we want without having to feel guilty.

BUFFY: I KNOW! It's like WE are the ones with no souls!!

XANDER: Yeah! Except no, cause we're perfect. I think it's like, (trying to sound deep...its not working) we're let of the hook, simply because we POSSESS the soul, we don't even have to USE it, we just have to HAVE it. (BIG SMILE) 

BUFFY: We are perfect. 

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Enter Dawn

DAWN: Buffy, I don't want Willow to move back in with us, she tried to kill us. 

BUFFY: Dawn! Don't be so narrow-minded, Willow made a little mistake, but she's been here since season one, so we just forgive her.

DAWN: Why? 

BUFFY: Because she's one of us. Per-fect! 

DAWN: Okay....but we don't forgive Spike right? I still get to threaten to kill him next week right????

BUFFY: Totally Dawnie!! Spike and Anya are UNFORGIVABLE EVILS!

DAWN: Why is that? 

BUFFY: Just is. 

DAWN: Okay! 


End file.
